Glass Waltz
by Shade Embry
Summary: In the aftermath of "Trust No 1," Doggett's partner wonders what would happen if he, not Mulder, were sent away.


TITLE: Glass Waltz  
AUTHOR: Brittany "Thespis" Frederick  
E-MAIL: baltimorelt@yahoo.com  
CATEGORY: Vignette, Post-Ep, Doggett/Other  
SPOILERS: For the 1/6/02 episode  
SUMMARY: Waltzing on glass is no way to survive.  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I was inspired by Scully's experience  
in the 1/6/02 episode and wondered what would happen  
if the Scully/Mulder dynamic (in other words, the  
separation) had happened to Stark and Doggett. This is  
a speculation on that, told from Stark's point of  
view. The title song belongs to Vertical Horizon, and  
fits perfectly. Lyrics quoted in here, and imagine it  
as background music to all these thoughts.  
  
I'm scared, John. Can you tell?  
  
I hear her cry, soft tears over the corpse, soft tears  
of disbelief, soft tears of true love, and a shudder  
passes down my spine. "Mulder," she repeats a couple  
times more. Dana is stronger than me, and she always  
has been. And she thinks of the night train escaping  
and she falters, fails. Standing on the platform while  
Monica comforts her and the bystanders look on and you  
talk to the police officer down on the tracks, I feel  
cold inside, and I falter, I fail. I start to cry. For  
who, I don't really know.   
  
I'm so afraid, my friend. Help me.  
  
Mulder was a good agent and a better friend. For all  
his fallacies and faults, he was there when I needed  
him. When you were trapped with Leyla Harrison, Scully  
called him right before she called me. She knew Mulder  
would be the strong person I needed by my side when  
you were beyond my reach. And he was every ounce of  
that. He never questioned me, not when I trusted your  
voice in my mind, not when I claimed to have  
experienced that extreme possibility. When I cried,  
when I raged, when I tore inside, he picked up the  
pieces. When I think of him now, I remember him  
standing there in the FBI field jacket with the smile  
on his face as he embraced me and then let me go to  
you, because he knew the feeling. He knew the feeling,  
John, because he still has it deep inside.  
  
What we saw in them, we know we now hold in ourselves.  
We both know it, and that is why we hold on, as  
desperately and perhaps recklessly as Dana, shuddering  
with her own loss, staying true to Mulder by memory  
only.  
  
We can quote chapter and verse on the saga of Mulder  
and Scully, especially you, especially through the  
manhunt for him. You saw firsthand how hard that was  
for her, and this must be infinitely harder. It's one  
thing to look for something you don't have that you  
know you can find, and another to look for something  
you know you have that you know you can't possess. And  
we know that our seven years isn't much different than  
theirs. No, I'm not the mother of your son, and no, we  
never crossed this line, but yes, we do love each  
other just the same.  
  
I need you to hold me before I shatter completely.  
  
How can she manage this painful separation, this  
midnight lunge for mysterious trains? Dana Scully is a  
stronger woman than I will ever be, and she relies on  
every portion of her strength to survive. But this  
kind of suffering, this violent separation from a man  
she knows and loves, her child's father, her one and  
only, I can not even begin to label with a degree of  
agony. No such label high enough exists. But watch  
her. All the things she doesn't know, all the things  
she won't tell, the carrying of secrets and lies, the  
broken voice in corridor conversations. If it occurred  
to me that you might someday join Mulder as a distant  
spirit beyond my immediate reach, I don't know how I  
would be in enough pieces for you ever to come home  
to.  
  
Never seeing you again, knowing you're not safe in my  
life, I couldn't handle. Shadows and secrecy and only  
the dream of you is not enough, not anymore. We're too  
closely bonded, you and I, seven years compounded into  
a continual existence. I can't do this alone, John. I  
can't do this without you.  
  
If we are them inside, will it happen to us?  
  
Would these drastic measures someday become required  
of us like they are of Dana and Mulder? You  
disappearing from all known existence, will it come to  
that? For this moment, I forget how it will affect  
Monica, who cares for you deeply, too. Just you and I  
considered here, I analyze the e-mail contact, the  
world between them, the high scales and heartbreaking  
silence. You see, I can't do that. I'm too dependent  
on you, John. I need you, and I'm not afraid to admit  
it. Not calling this forever would make me less than  
zero. It takes strength Dana has that I don't.  
  
Because I've come to need, rely on all that you are,  
strengths and weaknesses, small points and larger  
ones, variants and invariants. You've given yourself  
to me, and I've turned myself over to you. You know my  
favorite color down to the shade, what my parents  
almost named me, my social security number, the number  
of times I've seen my favorite film. We've spent  
Christmas, New Year's, Thanksgiving, birthdays, and  
other holidays in each other's company. You put up  
with my Filter music. You always smile when I walk in  
the door. You have a key to my apartment. I would turn  
my life over to you without thinking twice.  
  
I'm cold and faltering inside. I turn away from  
everything.  
  
This is my nightmare Dana Scully's living. My deepest  
fear, I now realize, is having you leave me by  
necessity in the middle of the night for an  
unspecified forever. I am afraid of nothing else,  
because you taught me not to be afraid, but I know  
right now I will always be afraid of what is happening  
here. I will never be able to let you go like that. If  
I do, I'll die.  
  
You know you're the only one in my life, John, like  
Mulder to Scully. I'm well connected, and I make my  
professional living that way. I have many friends. But  
none of the men in my life come close to you. They all  
know that. You figure in every equation, from my  
broken engagement with Peyton to my long-distance  
friendships with Stanley and J.T., to my final words  
to my Academy trainer, Drew Haley, whom you never  
really got to know, to my work with Follmer, Skinner,  
and others, to my many rogue trips with Alex Krycek.  
Krycek knew this most. He knew he could never take me  
from you. No one can. The only way I will ever leave  
you is if you make me. Let's hope it doesn't come to  
that.  
  
You know, I once joked in my diary that in regards to  
you, my mother might think the term "partner" meant  
"life partner." It's not a joke anymore. The latter  
term now applies. It did from the moment I took your  
hand on day one and we never looked back. I'd like to  
turn the clock back now, just on tonight.  
  
I take deep breaths, waiting for you, holding on for  
you. Even though my eyes are closed to keep the river  
of tears from flowing, I can hear you still speaking.  
My ears have always been trained for the sound of your  
voice.  
  
I dream for a moment of a time where partners can be  
united without having to look the other way. I wish it  
was more than a dream.   
  
And I wait for you.  
  
"You don't look too well," is the first thing you say,  
and when I open my eyes I know you've already assessed  
my tear-stained face, my pale skin, the cold in my  
soul. I exhale. You understand me in this glance and  
take me into your arms. We stand there together on the  
platform, and I can feel the protection of your arms  
around me and I know this is what Scully and Mulder  
have, what helps them hold out this terrible evening.  
It brings me to be so moved as to let a few more tears  
fall on your shoulder.  
  
You shift with this slight provocation, so tuned to me  
as I am to you, and we are forehead to forehead for a  
moment as you search my eyes and find all my thoughts.  
"Don't ever leave me," I manage out softly, "I need  
you here."  
  
"I know," you reply quietly, then allow just enough  
silence for punctuation. "Stark, we will never have  
anything to do with trains in the night, I promise  
you. We will never come to this, I swear it."  
  
"Thank you, John."  
  
"You're welcome." You hug me again, and I listen to  
your heart rise and fall for a moment. We will all  
leave as quickly as possible. Monica will be the  
counselor, and Dana will once again pick up the pieces  
to rebuild the strength I know she has. The two of us,  
we will stay together, because we always have.  
Somehow, we will all survive.  
  
What's to happen next? That's not for me to say. But  
I'm not afraid, John. I'm not afraid anymore.  
  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
"Glass Waltz" by Vertical Horizon  
  
She knows the fear in the eyes of a child  
And he wants to soar through the air  
She's only now just beginning to rise  
Part of him's already there  
  
So she tried to capture the wind in a box  
To liven up her rainy days  
And he's so afraid of what's waiting up top  
It's probably better that way  
  
'Cause he wasn't that smart and she wasn't so strong  
But they went through the motions as if they belonged  
Playing their parts in this traveling show  
And they haven't got too far to go  
  
So he finds the enemies waiting inside  
Hungry like never before  
She brushes off the temptation like  
It's easier just to ignore  
  
And then waltzing on glass is no way to survive  
When you trip on the truth to fall back on the lies  
But happier times seem to balance the lows  
And they haven't got too far to go  
  
No more tears today, no more time to waste  
'Cause when I come to the end of the line  
I'll know it's my time to shine  
  
So he always wanted to be someone else  
She sometimes wanted to die  
But they kept believing in spite of themselves  
They just had to open their eyes  
  
'Cause he wasn't that smart and she wasn't so strong  
But they went through the motions as if they belonged  
Playing their parts in this traveling show  
And they haven't got too far to go  
  
And then waltzing on glass is no way to survive  
When you trip on the truth to fall back on the lies  
But happier times seem to balance the lows  
And they haven't got too far to go  
  
  
  
=====  
"Oh, for God's sake, please be somebody else."  
- Lewis Black  
Natalie: Two guys have ascended 5 miles into the sky. They walked up a wall of ice and are preparing to knock on the door of heaven itself. There's really no end to what we can do. You know what the trick is?   
Dan: What?   
Natalie: Get in the game!   
- "The Quality of Mercy at 29K", "Sports Night" 


End file.
